I’m not perfect and I’m willing to admit that. Irrational anger, a bit of a slobe and etc but that’s just being human.
This was not always the case though. I used to do all I could to conceal my flaws of inadequecy and imperfect nature. I used all my energy trying to be picture perfect, just like everyone else around me. I guess I was fitting in because it was so hard and so cold to stand out alone.
I had to walk right and talk right. I hated so much being different and less than perfect, especially since there were so many conflicting expectations I tried to fulfill and people I wanted to so badly please. Any loose fault in my character felt like a huge gaping hole I had to mask. Failures and mistakes always left cruel wounds, wounds that dug deep into my psyche so I made a decision: to be perfect and never make a mistake again, so I don’t have to suffer the horrific pain of an imperfection. It made me feel completely powerless and to blame, making mistakes. Every mistake had me hating myself a little bit more each time, slowly becoming a skilled enemy to myself.
I started to realize that I was trapped in a never ending circle: the more perfect I tried to be, the more mistakes I made. The harder I tried to cover up my faults the more they stuck out. At some point I more-or-less cracked and decided to give up this pointless charade. I decided to simply let be what is, there’s nothing much I could do about it anyway. Slowly I began getting comfortable with the less then ideal aspects of me. I felt like I could breathe fresh air again. I was no longer draped in a large coat of self loathing. I no longer saw mistakes as little demons in ourselves we had to absolutely kill but as essential pieces to our puzzle personalities.
I do believe though that our faults are ment to compliment each other like the colors red and black. That if we were perfect we wouldn’t need other people, so being imperfect we get to need other people in our lives.
What I’m trying to say in this dragged out piece is that as humans we are not perfect, but its ok to not be perfect. We weren’t ment to be. We were ment to embrace our blessed flaws and meet each other halfway on them.