Dealing is a process

Dear batali, it’s been about seven years now since your passings, and I, gradually coming to grips with it, would say I’m quite proud of how I’ve been doing so far.

I was in some form of denial at first, believing that coming to terms with the loss of a loved one meant carrying on about your days, almost though nothing had happened really. Resonant with the old philosophy, “it’s no use crying over spilt milk”, I thought it no good brooding over the past, and so I’d decided I’d focus on other things, any things else: work, school, play, friends, etc, etc, yet no matter where I went, I could never escape the memory of you gently lingering in the back of my mind always. I rarely spoke of you, unless asked, dwelling in thoughts of you only in my quite time, which I’ve allowed myself a great deal of over the years. I had tried to bury you mentally, and fight the feeling that you are gone, in an attempt to convince myself of some delusion that I was past your passing. I suppose I had feared succumbing to defeating emotions, feeling that I’d be making myself out to be weak, and hurt, but no I wasn’t going to cry, I’m stronger than that, or so I thought, but I began coming to the realization that it’s ok to not be ok.

The world keeps turning, and we keep moving, and as much as we wish it could at times, it never stops even at the death of a loved one, and so I assumed that I was to keep pace with the rest of the world, allowing myself no time to lick my wounds. I realize now that that was flawed thinking, I’ve come to find that talking about it, about who you were, about what you mean to me, and about your absence feels good. There will always be emotions of you, and to try to bury that would be to pile up a mountain of those emotions for years to come. I suspect that even in my twilight years, as aged and ancient as I may grow, you will always be in my thoughts, which is good because I wouldn’t want to forget you. I’ve come to the conclusion that dealing with the loss of a loved one is not forgetting them for the rest of your days, but remembering them each.

I am no longer wounded by your absence, but overjoyed by your memory, and each day I shall think of you just a bit. I shall carry a smile on my face as I go about my days, as even though you may lay tucked away in peaceful slumber, you remain ever alive in my thoughts, and I am glad of that.

Signed, the surviving.


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